I was watching this soap opera today, yes, I do admit that on occasion I do watch the soaps when I have time and since my mom is not able to watch them right now I have been watching to keep her up to date. That's my story and I am sticking to it. So, on most of these soaps when the writers run out of ideas they always make some old woman, well, not old, old but long past her child bearing years, who most always have grown kids in their early to mid 20's, these women almost always end up getting pregnant by someone and they never know whom the someone is. It is like watching an episode of Maury of who is the father. But, this is supposed to be fiction. I have to keep that in mind when I see a woman who is older then me walking in to the doc saying that they think they are pregnant by either the father of their boyfriend, the boyfriend or some other person whom they had a one or two night stand with.
So, today in my memo haze I was watching this soap on TV with my window open to get some cool air. I had walked to the store earlier and came back in a sweat. You would have thought I was speed walking a marathon or something. Luckily I brought back something cold to drink. So, I am sitting there in my usual spot on my chair near the window and this woman who was in a coma for 24 years, I know typical soap opera drama, woke up and came back to the town her husband is in and of course the husband and his girlfriend broke up after the out of the coma wife comes to live him again and then three seconds later the wife and the husband are back in the sack. So, of course, I am thinking oh no another senior pregnancy is about to take place. But, this time I was shocked in a good way. When the doc came back into the room to deliver the news if the test was positive or negative they said that her blood test indicated that she was in menopause and couldn't have a child. Of course, the woman gets all upset screaming that she is too young. You would have thought she was 20 the way she was carrying on. So, I was glad that for once they got real. Of course, they didn't get all the way real since they do have a menopausal woman on the show playing pregnant. But, at least this time they came close to real life.
So, as I am sitting there sipping on my lemon water I silently shouted hooray in my head. But, I know that of course now some baby stealing will go on sooner or later. After all, it is a soap and a predictable one at that.
I fanned myself after it was over and took two more sips of water and then I turned on the real life "Whose the daddy" soap opera, the Murray Show. Ok, I admit it when I want to watch something that is crazy I turn him on and watch like ten minutes or so and then I am done back to my life, where I know who the daddy is and try to find something else to watch in between hot flashes and corn chips. Yep, got the corn chips from the store.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Full Circle
Today I experienced Motherhood at 76. I visited my mom in the nursing home where she is recovering from a broken hip and hopefully will be returning home sometime this week. So, today the roles were sort of reversed. I took care of her and I was thinking this is how she probably took care of me when I was younger. I had to convince her to eat the lunch that they provided for her. Even though she complained that she didn't like the food because it was bland and tasteless, almost like I used to complain about not wanting to eat my vegetables when I was younger, I did manage to bribe her to take a few bites promising her dessert later. Yes, just like she used to do to me sometimes but her dessert was something like custard with a crust not appealing to me or her but nonetheless she managed to scarf down a few tiny bites before she said she had had enough. She also had enough of the bland ice tea that they served with it so I gave her some sprite instead which they said she could have. Hot sprite beats bland ice tea any day in her book.
So, as my son was helping her manage the sprite, holding the straw in place for her and telling her to take tiny sips at a time I sat there and thought back to all the times I had told him the same exact thing when he was sick, which thank goodness was not that often, and now he was telling her and helping her when she is sick. He was also hovering like a "daddy bird" around her and wouldn't let her lift a muscle to do anything and was getting nervous when she tried to lean a little too forward in the wheel chair which she said was the most uncomfortable chair she had ever had the misfortune of sitting in. My son tested that out when she got back in bed for a short nap. He thought it was an awesome chair because it had wheels, that was no surprise to me.
I watched these two for a long time today, just watching and observing and thinking and by the time lunch was done and meds were taken and my mom was trying to rest in the mists of all the yelling in the halls, loud conversations, alarms going off, one of them hers, and all the hustle and bustle of these places, I came to realize that motherhood for me has come full circle. I was a mom at 41 and my mom was a mom at 26. Since I don't have a daughter, I won't be able to watch her be a mom but I think that my son will make a darn good parent some day.
So, as my son was helping her manage the sprite, holding the straw in place for her and telling her to take tiny sips at a time I sat there and thought back to all the times I had told him the same exact thing when he was sick, which thank goodness was not that often, and now he was telling her and helping her when she is sick. He was also hovering like a "daddy bird" around her and wouldn't let her lift a muscle to do anything and was getting nervous when she tried to lean a little too forward in the wheel chair which she said was the most uncomfortable chair she had ever had the misfortune of sitting in. My son tested that out when she got back in bed for a short nap. He thought it was an awesome chair because it had wheels, that was no surprise to me.
I watched these two for a long time today, just watching and observing and thinking and by the time lunch was done and meds were taken and my mom was trying to rest in the mists of all the yelling in the halls, loud conversations, alarms going off, one of them hers, and all the hustle and bustle of these places, I came to realize that motherhood for me has come full circle. I was a mom at 41 and my mom was a mom at 26. Since I don't have a daughter, I won't be able to watch her be a mom but I think that my son will make a darn good parent some day.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Riding HOT on the bus
I had a new adventure yesterday. My big adventure was riding the bus on a super warm day in the middle of menopause and hot flashes. I hadn't planned on taking two busses to get to one destination. But, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Yesterday was one of those days.
I had to go and see my mom in the "skilled facility nursing home" as they call it. I see very few people with a lot of skills there, except for talking skills. But, there are some good people who work there and I am grateful for them. Since I don't drive nor have a car and usually get rides from my nephew it was a challenge for me yesterday when he was at work and there was nobody to give me a ride. I thought briefly about calling a cab and when I called they said that it was $3 per mile but of course that didn't include traffic lights and stops so I figured that from here to there would be about 10-12 bucks. I calculated the amount of the money to take the bus for me and my son which would have been 2.10 for me and 1.05 for him which is one way. So, the question was did I have the inclination to catch a bus or money, money, money for a cab. I was sweating so much I decided to take a cab there and the bus back. The cab costs what I had expected almost $11 bucks for a few miles, I think like 3 miles but you have to include the traffic lights which I noticed at each light that meter went up 20 cents and when we were there he just had to turn the corner the meter went from $10 even to $10.90. I was not too happy about that but my hot flashes thanked me. We stayed and visited with my mom for a long time, as long as we could without my son getting too antsy trying to control his urge to take a ride on the wheelchair down the halls screaming look at me or something similar. He did sit in the chair when my mom was not in it and asked if he could pop a wheelie. My answer was a louder then usual NO! I think they heard me in the hallways.
We were there for about 4 hours and then decided to leave after she fell asleep. We migrated to the bus stop about a couple of blocks away and waited for the bus and waited and waited. It said the next bus was in 18 minutes. 18 minutes turned into about 25 minutes sitting in the hot sun or standing in the hot shade. The first bus finally came. We hopped on and I tried to put the money in a machine that looked like the change machine at the laundry matt. The first two dollar bills no problem the last one kept spitting back to me and finally after about 4 tries it went in. It was stubborn dollar bill. I hadn't ridden the bus in about a year so I was not used to this new change.
But, the people were the same who rode the bus as I remembered them. Different faces but same attitudes. One guy accidently hit another guy with his backpack getting on the bus. The seats are so close together you almost have to be a size 0 to fit down the aisles without hitting anyone with your backpack, or hands. The seats are smaller then small. The guy apologized to the guy for accidently hitting him and apparently the guy was not in the mood for accepting apologies and said a few harsher then necessary words back and continued on his personal rampage for the next several minutes.
One older lady wanted a transfer that they don't give out anymore and settled on an all day pass that she said she didn't need but had no choice in buying and accused the bus company of being a bully. I secretly agreed and laughed in my head. She instructed the driver not to move the bus until she sat down and he didn't. I can't blame her though. Once the bus moves it is every person for themselves trying to grab something to hold on to as fast as some of them drive. Some kids got on and I was expecting more of them but thank goodness only a few caught that bus. They sat there mostly taking selfies with their friends. They were all attached to their phones like third arms if they had them.
A hot, very hot as in I thought for a brief moment about taking off my shirt but I didn't want to get arrested and scare everyone on the bus to death. So, I removed my light jacket instead. I tied it around my waist and prayed that we would get to the next bus stop where I needed to get off and catch the next bus. I eventually made it to my next destination.
After seeing the Subway two feet from the last bus stop I need to be at I decided, or my stomach decided for me, that it was time for something to eat. Never did I dream when I went in dripping with sweat that two foot long sandwiches, just that and a drink would cost almost $20. I think next time one foot long and sharing it with my son and no drink except the free water, which may or may not be free if not then nothing until we get home. I counted my dollar and change and put a couple more together for the bus which was scheduled to arrive in 20 minutes. I tried to find some shade to stand in but even still the hot flashes were relentless and I probably would still be hot in Alaska in the dead of winter. So, finally the bus came and another $3.15 left my pockets. But, the dollars and the machine cooperated this time. My son complained about I was smashing him in the tiny seats. I told him to hold on that we would be home in a few minutes. Actually, it took like 15 to our stop and we were both miserable. But, we had to suck it up and roll on the bus home.
By the time we got home I was tired and sweaty and just wanted to change out of my drenched shirt and rest. I did both. Go figure when I got home the flashes finally stopped coming every 4 seconds.
So, today, my nephew was off work. He took us back today and this time we stayed for the majority of the day until they fed everyone dinner. It was a long day but my mom did really well today with all the physical therapy and stuff they had her do. Her spirits were good and now hopefully, very soon our bus riding days to that place will be over. I know they will be over sooner then the hot flashes.
I had to go and see my mom in the "skilled facility nursing home" as they call it. I see very few people with a lot of skills there, except for talking skills. But, there are some good people who work there and I am grateful for them. Since I don't drive nor have a car and usually get rides from my nephew it was a challenge for me yesterday when he was at work and there was nobody to give me a ride. I thought briefly about calling a cab and when I called they said that it was $3 per mile but of course that didn't include traffic lights and stops so I figured that from here to there would be about 10-12 bucks. I calculated the amount of the money to take the bus for me and my son which would have been 2.10 for me and 1.05 for him which is one way. So, the question was did I have the inclination to catch a bus or money, money, money for a cab. I was sweating so much I decided to take a cab there and the bus back. The cab costs what I had expected almost $11 bucks for a few miles, I think like 3 miles but you have to include the traffic lights which I noticed at each light that meter went up 20 cents and when we were there he just had to turn the corner the meter went from $10 even to $10.90. I was not too happy about that but my hot flashes thanked me. We stayed and visited with my mom for a long time, as long as we could without my son getting too antsy trying to control his urge to take a ride on the wheelchair down the halls screaming look at me or something similar. He did sit in the chair when my mom was not in it and asked if he could pop a wheelie. My answer was a louder then usual NO! I think they heard me in the hallways.
We were there for about 4 hours and then decided to leave after she fell asleep. We migrated to the bus stop about a couple of blocks away and waited for the bus and waited and waited. It said the next bus was in 18 minutes. 18 minutes turned into about 25 minutes sitting in the hot sun or standing in the hot shade. The first bus finally came. We hopped on and I tried to put the money in a machine that looked like the change machine at the laundry matt. The first two dollar bills no problem the last one kept spitting back to me and finally after about 4 tries it went in. It was stubborn dollar bill. I hadn't ridden the bus in about a year so I was not used to this new change.
But, the people were the same who rode the bus as I remembered them. Different faces but same attitudes. One guy accidently hit another guy with his backpack getting on the bus. The seats are so close together you almost have to be a size 0 to fit down the aisles without hitting anyone with your backpack, or hands. The seats are smaller then small. The guy apologized to the guy for accidently hitting him and apparently the guy was not in the mood for accepting apologies and said a few harsher then necessary words back and continued on his personal rampage for the next several minutes.
One older lady wanted a transfer that they don't give out anymore and settled on an all day pass that she said she didn't need but had no choice in buying and accused the bus company of being a bully. I secretly agreed and laughed in my head. She instructed the driver not to move the bus until she sat down and he didn't. I can't blame her though. Once the bus moves it is every person for themselves trying to grab something to hold on to as fast as some of them drive. Some kids got on and I was expecting more of them but thank goodness only a few caught that bus. They sat there mostly taking selfies with their friends. They were all attached to their phones like third arms if they had them.
A hot, very hot as in I thought for a brief moment about taking off my shirt but I didn't want to get arrested and scare everyone on the bus to death. So, I removed my light jacket instead. I tied it around my waist and prayed that we would get to the next bus stop where I needed to get off and catch the next bus. I eventually made it to my next destination.
After seeing the Subway two feet from the last bus stop I need to be at I decided, or my stomach decided for me, that it was time for something to eat. Never did I dream when I went in dripping with sweat that two foot long sandwiches, just that and a drink would cost almost $20. I think next time one foot long and sharing it with my son and no drink except the free water, which may or may not be free if not then nothing until we get home. I counted my dollar and change and put a couple more together for the bus which was scheduled to arrive in 20 minutes. I tried to find some shade to stand in but even still the hot flashes were relentless and I probably would still be hot in Alaska in the dead of winter. So, finally the bus came and another $3.15 left my pockets. But, the dollars and the machine cooperated this time. My son complained about I was smashing him in the tiny seats. I told him to hold on that we would be home in a few minutes. Actually, it took like 15 to our stop and we were both miserable. But, we had to suck it up and roll on the bus home.
By the time we got home I was tired and sweaty and just wanted to change out of my drenched shirt and rest. I did both. Go figure when I got home the flashes finally stopped coming every 4 seconds.
So, today, my nephew was off work. He took us back today and this time we stayed for the majority of the day until they fed everyone dinner. It was a long day but my mom did really well today with all the physical therapy and stuff they had her do. Her spirits were good and now hopefully, very soon our bus riding days to that place will be over. I know they will be over sooner then the hot flashes.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Taking off the Rose Colored Glasses
As I get older I never really have thought about what that all means. I know that the number changes every year and the candles on the cake grow and they grow so much that you just don't want to set the cake on fire so you use the two numbers sometimes to make your age. I never really thought about what it is really like getting old. I guess I only concentrated in the moment and never really looked into the future too much. Aging never really bothered me at all. I would say oh it is just a number but I found out this week just how that number can affect your quality of life.
My mom had me when she was 25 a few months from her 26th birthday so she is going to be 76 on her birthday in October. I recently noticed her aging sort of slowing down in many ways. Walking slower, talking slower and more deliberately sometimes. Sometimes she would have to think a few more seconds to answer a question and I thought that is all a part of aging. I was thinking that in about 25 years give or take a year or two that I could be her, walking slower, hesitating more with my speech and getting a few more wrinkles and graying of the hair and thinner bones. She is a beautiful woman to me and always will be. Then something happened that scared me. She went to the hospital. She hates hospitals with a passion and anyone who knows her knows that. So, it was scary for me and her when that night I had to call 911 because I thought she was having a stroke. Unfortunately, I was right she had a small stroke but then she suffered another injury while in the hospital a broken hip. I realized how fragile she is and how fragile life is. I realized that I can't take her for granted any more and just assume that she will be here for the next 5 or ten or fifteen years. I can't assume that she will see my son graduate from junior high or even high school in 8 years. I think that my life and her life flashed right before my eyes that night as the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance and took her away.
Today I visited her at the nursing home where she is recovering from the hip. Today I saw an much older woman, a woman with more wrinkles and more lines from life that I had ever noticed before. I noticed her thinning hair and more grey hairs then before. I noticed her demeanor was not the same. Her laughter was gone. Her smile was gone. Her words were there but her memory was confused sometimes and she thought she was at home in the comfort of her own bed, watching her own television. She wanted her red sweater, the one she wears when she gets cold. She didn't want strangers parading in and out of her room, poking and prodding her like she was just a piece of meat. She didn't like sitting in a room that was not her own. She didn't like not waking up in her own bed in the mornings and eating her own breakfast not some tasteless food that is placed in front of you and if you eat it you eat it and if you don't they can care less and remove the food when your time was up. She doesn't like a time limit and wearing a diaper not being able to walk to the bathroom and having to look at her roommate using the portable potty in the corner of the room. This is not her idea of spending one minute of her golden years in a room she doesn't recognize with people she doesn't know coming and going.
I had to be her voice today and I had to be a loud, bossy, bold voice today. I will always be her voice when she looses hers. I hope that she never does and when these dreadful two weeks are over by some little miracle she returns to us as good as she left us.
Now, I know what getting older is about. I have taken off my rose colored glasses today.
My mom had me when she was 25 a few months from her 26th birthday so she is going to be 76 on her birthday in October. I recently noticed her aging sort of slowing down in many ways. Walking slower, talking slower and more deliberately sometimes. Sometimes she would have to think a few more seconds to answer a question and I thought that is all a part of aging. I was thinking that in about 25 years give or take a year or two that I could be her, walking slower, hesitating more with my speech and getting a few more wrinkles and graying of the hair and thinner bones. She is a beautiful woman to me and always will be. Then something happened that scared me. She went to the hospital. She hates hospitals with a passion and anyone who knows her knows that. So, it was scary for me and her when that night I had to call 911 because I thought she was having a stroke. Unfortunately, I was right she had a small stroke but then she suffered another injury while in the hospital a broken hip. I realized how fragile she is and how fragile life is. I realized that I can't take her for granted any more and just assume that she will be here for the next 5 or ten or fifteen years. I can't assume that she will see my son graduate from junior high or even high school in 8 years. I think that my life and her life flashed right before my eyes that night as the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance and took her away.
Today I visited her at the nursing home where she is recovering from the hip. Today I saw an much older woman, a woman with more wrinkles and more lines from life that I had ever noticed before. I noticed her thinning hair and more grey hairs then before. I noticed her demeanor was not the same. Her laughter was gone. Her smile was gone. Her words were there but her memory was confused sometimes and she thought she was at home in the comfort of her own bed, watching her own television. She wanted her red sweater, the one she wears when she gets cold. She didn't want strangers parading in and out of her room, poking and prodding her like she was just a piece of meat. She didn't like sitting in a room that was not her own. She didn't like not waking up in her own bed in the mornings and eating her own breakfast not some tasteless food that is placed in front of you and if you eat it you eat it and if you don't they can care less and remove the food when your time was up. She doesn't like a time limit and wearing a diaper not being able to walk to the bathroom and having to look at her roommate using the portable potty in the corner of the room. This is not her idea of spending one minute of her golden years in a room she doesn't recognize with people she doesn't know coming and going.
I had to be her voice today and I had to be a loud, bossy, bold voice today. I will always be her voice when she looses hers. I hope that she never does and when these dreadful two weeks are over by some little miracle she returns to us as good as she left us.
Now, I know what getting older is about. I have taken off my rose colored glasses today.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
You are NOT ALONE
Hospitals are a place that I never want to go. I know that they are supposed to heal you, the doctors and nurses anyway but for the past 13 days my mom has been in the hospital and it was an and still is an experience that is driving me batty. She went to the hospital for one thing and during her stay at the hospital she fell and broke her hip so on top of the thing that she went there in the first place for she has to now deal with a hip replacement surgery that she didn't need until she came there. Not to mention the rehabilitation process at the skilled nursing facility, which in my opinion is a fancy word for nursing home. I don't have a good view of those either.
When I was younger we lived down the street from a nursing home. The sign on the outside of the building simply said "Nursing Home" no fancy name just that so you knew what it was before you even went in. They were not leaving anything to your imagination. My sister and I used to passed it every time we went to the movies. The movie theater was across the street and the nursing home was right on the corner. So, you really couldn't miss it if you tried. I used to feel so sad for the people in there because they would sit near or by the window and they would look so sad all the time. It was like someone just pushed their collective wheelchairs to the window to let them look out at the world that they will never be a part of again. Nobody ever smiled always just sad faces. I used to smile and wave to them. I figured that was the least I could do and on Christmas I used to go there and hand out home made cards and little gifts, like socks and scarves. I couldn't afford much but I would save my allowance and later money from working over the summer when I was a teen. It made me sad that only a few of them had family that actually came to check on them on a weekly basis and the rest seemed to have been forgotten. I wanted them to feel like they had not been forgotten at least not by me.
That was my first impression of a nursing home and later my step grandmother had her mom in a nursing home for a while and then she brought her to live with her and my grandfather for the last few months of her life. I vowed from that day on that I would never put anyone I loved in a nursing home.
Now, my mom has to go to one for rehabilitation. I called this nursing home today and probably asked more questions then the law allowed but I had to. I had to know and tomorrow I have to see. I will be at the nursing home every day to check on my mom until she comes out in about 2 weeks. She will know that there is someone watching over her and that she is not alone. They will know it too.
I hope that if anything ever happens to me like this that my son will do the same for me. I never want anyone to be alone.
When I was younger we lived down the street from a nursing home. The sign on the outside of the building simply said "Nursing Home" no fancy name just that so you knew what it was before you even went in. They were not leaving anything to your imagination. My sister and I used to passed it every time we went to the movies. The movie theater was across the street and the nursing home was right on the corner. So, you really couldn't miss it if you tried. I used to feel so sad for the people in there because they would sit near or by the window and they would look so sad all the time. It was like someone just pushed their collective wheelchairs to the window to let them look out at the world that they will never be a part of again. Nobody ever smiled always just sad faces. I used to smile and wave to them. I figured that was the least I could do and on Christmas I used to go there and hand out home made cards and little gifts, like socks and scarves. I couldn't afford much but I would save my allowance and later money from working over the summer when I was a teen. It made me sad that only a few of them had family that actually came to check on them on a weekly basis and the rest seemed to have been forgotten. I wanted them to feel like they had not been forgotten at least not by me.
That was my first impression of a nursing home and later my step grandmother had her mom in a nursing home for a while and then she brought her to live with her and my grandfather for the last few months of her life. I vowed from that day on that I would never put anyone I loved in a nursing home.
Now, my mom has to go to one for rehabilitation. I called this nursing home today and probably asked more questions then the law allowed but I had to. I had to know and tomorrow I have to see. I will be at the nursing home every day to check on my mom until she comes out in about 2 weeks. She will know that there is someone watching over her and that she is not alone. They will know it too.
I hope that if anything ever happens to me like this that my son will do the same for me. I never want anyone to be alone.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Switcharoo!
Yesterday vi was not in a good mood. I think it was meno hormones as I call them. Added to the fact I got like 2 minutes of sleep the night before. So I was "snippy" to people for most of the day and certainly was not in the mood for my son to beg and plead for a PSP anything. I tried to calmly explain to him in between hot flashes and joint pains that he wasn't getting one it was not in our budget. But, kids will be kids and he didn't stop asking until I raised my voice. He then understood. My mom on the other hand didn't.
She decides that my raised voice was too much for her delicate ears and grabbed her purse, coat and my brother and decided she was taking a walk. Now, my mom has lost sight in one eye, not completely but some, and her walking any where has become more then a notion as she would say. Not too mention her bad knee. But, she was determined to be senior wonder woman even after I protested loudly. I offered to go with her but it was determined I was the one she wanted to get a break from.
I watched from the window as they disappeared from sight. I prayed all was well. But, I had a sinking feeling it wasn't. I decided to look for them after about 13 minutes and I found my brother trying to help her home. I grabbed her other arm, my son grabbed her purse and off we went homebound. As I figured her knee wouldn't let her walk far and neither would her eye.
So, in that moment she reminded me of her mother, my grandmother. I remember my mom taking a walk similar to this one about ten years ago when the parent turned into the mom. I asked myself silently that question if I was now going to switch roles with my mom and mother her.
She decides that my raised voice was too much for her delicate ears and grabbed her purse, coat and my brother and decided she was taking a walk. Now, my mom has lost sight in one eye, not completely but some, and her walking any where has become more then a notion as she would say. Not too mention her bad knee. But, she was determined to be senior wonder woman even after I protested loudly. I offered to go with her but it was determined I was the one she wanted to get a break from.
I watched from the window as they disappeared from sight. I prayed all was well. But, I had a sinking feeling it wasn't. I decided to look for them after about 13 minutes and I found my brother trying to help her home. I grabbed her other arm, my son grabbed her purse and off we went homebound. As I figured her knee wouldn't let her walk far and neither would her eye.
So, in that moment she reminded me of her mother, my grandmother. I remember my mom taking a walk similar to this one about ten years ago when the parent turned into the mom. I asked myself silently that question if I was now going to switch roles with my mom and mother her.
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