Yesterday another year skipped right passed me. Another birthday is history. This has been my hottest birthday yet. Too bad it wasn't because of my smoking hot body that could make a man fall to his knees. Nope haven't had that kind of body for years. But, I am working on that part again. Trying to get myself at least in half the shape I was 30 years ago.
So, yesterday started out with me kicking covers off me in the early morning as usual. Hot flashes like to come in the early morning and just hang out all day long sometimes. But, I am used to them now pretty much. I always have my little fan handy and something cold to drink in the fridge. That is all I need for right now at least. Hopefully, it stays that way. So, I kicked the covers off and decided that sleep had abandoned me for the rest of the morning and I got up. I looked at my sleeping son and then came in the other room and looked at my sleeping mom in her bed. And my snoring nephew who was twisted in an awkward position on the couch. He reminded me of a pretzel almost. His leg was on the floor, his other leg on the couch, his body twisted towards the back of the couch and his one hand on his side. It looked sort of funny and totally uncomfortable. If I had slept like that I would be in pain for a month.
I was sort of bummed that nobody was up to sing happy birthday to me. Ok, now they probably wouldn't have sang to me anyway but hey, I could hope. I got myself a glass of ice water and went back into my room and checked my phone for text messages full of birthday wishes. I just knew there had to be some. I was thinking about 200 at the least. Yes, I was still on fantasy island. I read the 3 that were there. My friends need to wake up earlier especially on my birthday. So, far I was good with the flashes. Only that one and I crossed my birthday fingers that I wouldn't get too many more. Even though the weatherman said it was supposed to be a pretty warm day.
Eventually, my family woke up and nobody seemed to want to sing happy anything to me. I was not surprised so I just started singing it myself. I guess I was irritating my mom when she told me that it was too bad that I didn't have anyone to come and say it to me, meaning a boyfriend, yes, it only took her 51 years to get interested in my social life, I told her I didn't need anyone to sing it me when I can sing it myself and have my cake and ice cream too. Which I did for breakfast. And again after dinner. I thought about it for lunch too but I thought that would be doing too much.
I was hot for most of the day, they came and they went and I fanned and sang, ok, I fanned mostly since my singing had gotten on everyone's last nerve. But, I figured that one day of me singing would not give them ear damage.
I didn't get any gifts to open. I got cards to open from friends in snail mail and on email and on Facebook which made me happy. I was hot and glad that people took the time to remember me on my special day. But, I wished that the hot flashes would have forgotten me.
So, I toasted myself yesterday and said CHEERS to another year of ME hotness and all.
Fifty is nifty. That was the caption under a picture of my cousin on Facebook while on a cruise ship. Today is her 50th birthday. I don't know her too well, if at all really. Actually, I had no idea she was my cousin until she turned 18. It was a few days before my grandfather's funeral. And as families do when people die, or at least my family, they were not in agreement on anything. One person wanted this and the other person wanted that and the wife, his second wife wanted something entirely different and so it went two days of trying to please everyone in making arrangements for a man who was a simple man and wouldn't have cared if he was buried in a pine box in an unmarked grave. He had said that a few times before he died, not to fuss and not to argue. But, in my family not going to happen. So, while sitting in his house, the kids were watching television while the adults continued to fuss over this and that a young woman comes in the door, in a white dress, sandals, carrying a white tote bag slung over her shoulder. She had long brown hair, which stopped at her shoulders and light brown, almost brown mixed with red colored eyes. She was tall and thin and looked around the room nervously as she searched for an empty chair or spot on the couch. I didn't know who she was. All I knew that we were about the same age.
My step grandmother on the other hand knew exactly who she was. She almost ran from her spot on the couch where she was sitting and almost pounced on the girl trying to give her a hug. She smiled as she asked the girl was she okay. I thought that was strange but didn't say anything. I was thinking well, maybe this girl was a friend of the family that I had never met before. I vaguely remember her coming over to see my grandfather when I was little but didn't remember anything else. I don't think anyone even told me her name back then. Before I could totally process this big lingering hug that was taking place across the room someone called my name. I turned in the direction of the voice and which belonged to my uncle and asked him what he wanted. He said he needed to speak to me. My mom was already standing beside him looking confused. I moved from my spot on the chair near the TV and went over to where he and my mom were standing off the kitchen. He cleared his throat and looked like he was stressed, the look he always had after he came home from work, then he smoothed his hair back, the other nervous thing he did from time to time. I thought this must be some big news. I thought about my grandfather who just died. I thought wrong.
He almost spoke in a whisper when he told me that the girl I had never or hardly ever seen before was my cousin. I turned around to look at the girl again who was now holding a conversation with my step grandmother and her sister. It took me a few minutes to digest what he had just told me. I wanted to ask a million questions but I knew that was not the time or place. About an hour later another woman arrived whom I didn't know and I was told that woman was my new cousin's mom.
Everyone got though the days that followed. My grandfather was laid to rest and life went back to normal. I saw my new cousin a few times after that. The last time I had seen her was at my grandmother's funeral. We vowed to keep in touch to get to know each other now as middle aged women with kids almost the same age, her son and my son, her daughter is a few years older, but that never happened. I did attempt to email her a couple of times but never got an answer so I was satisfied with just being Facebook friends with her and looking at all the pictures she posted about her family and from the posts I am getting to know her family. I am seeing a tiny glimpse into her life and the life of her family. All her younger sisters, her mom, step dad and her niece. I often wondered what it would be like talking to her exchanging stories about our kids or our day or careers, small talk that families do and friends do that haven't seen each other in a long time. But, I am sure that small talk or any other kind of talk will never happen between us.
So, when I logged on to Facebook this morning on my news feed was her and pictures of her and her family, mom, dad, kids, sisters and others on a cruise. Another caption said that she was celebrating not only her 50th birthday but her dad's 69th birthday and her sister's 30th. (her dad meaning the dad that raised her not my uncle who didn't raise her)
As I scrolled though the pictures I thought to myself that I guess going on a cruise surrounded by all the people who love you can make 50 VERY nifty indeed.
There was a commercial that I used to see all the time where an older woman fell on the floor and she says something like she's fallen and can't get up. Now, fast forward to me yesterday at the park.
It all started with a list of errands almost as long as my right arm. I hadn't had the energy to do them the first part of the week so when I woke up yesterday feeling somewhat energetic I decided that I would tackle some of the errands on my list. The park was added by my son. It had been a good couple of weeks since we had been to this particular park and I guess we we overdue according to my son for a visit. He likes it there because of the slides. One slide curls around a bit sort of in a half circle so you get a little twist when you slide down. And according to him the swings are bigger and go higher.
It was decided that we would go there first since it only made scence to go there before the grocery store. I had visions of ice cream melting while we were at the park and my son enjoying the high swings. We drove up, me having all the windows down sort of wishing I had a convertible just until menopause was over. The good part, hardly any kids were there. Only a few happy toddlers running around only stopping long enough to try to go on the slide the wrong way. I remember those days.
By the time we crossed the street to the park I had already taken off my light jacket and tied it around my waist like I used to do when I was in grade school. I migrated to the wall all the parents sit on while watching kids swing, slide and running around climbing structures. I had barely sat down and got my little hand fan out which I have now decided to take most everywhere I go. Then I heard my sons voice calling me from a few feet away. I asked what he wanted although I knew the answer. He wanted me to give him a push on the swing. So, I got up from my spot on the wall and walked the few steps to the swings. I extended my arms to give him a little push, moved myfeet a little and bam my feet slid out from in front of me as I slipped on a plastic shovel I hadn't noticed before. I went tripping past the swing landed on the side of it after I rolled a little on the wood chips near the swing.
I almost felt like all this happened in slow motion.. My son asked if I was okay. Other then being covered with a million wood chips I was pretty much good. As I was sitting there on my butt I got a fleeting thought about I must be getting old and for a second I thought about that television commercial with the older woman and I laughed aloud. I am pretty sure that a few parents and kids thought I was nuts. Then I said also out loud how am I going to get myself up off these slippery wood chips. Well, I just put one foot in front of the other and prayed for the best. I used the pole by the swings and pulled myself up. It kind of felt like I was trying to do a pull up. It took a minute but I was up off the ground and brushing myself off. Sort of like what happens in life but this was literally me brushing myself off and getting up when you're down. Then I thought I am too old to be falling accidentally in a kiddie park or anywhere else.
A few more minutes of swinging for my son and a couple more times going down both slides and a couple of pictures later we were off to the store. Off to get some ice cream.
I was in a semi good mood when I woke up in spite of the neighbor across the street was up early screaming and yelling at someone for doing something and of course as usual she had to take it to the streets so everyone in a ten mile radius could hear. She is one person I will not miss when we move. I had envisioned a pretty uneventful day. The screaming neighbor would eventually go back inside and the quiet of the neighborhood would return.
I got up and rubbed some preparation H on my cankles, ankles, I saw that on Dr. Oz. Decided I would try it. I put my face day cream on that's supposed to bring back my youthful glow. The jury is still out on that one. I also put on some under eye cream for my puffiness. After I got all creamed up, I tell you I never used so many creams in ,my life, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then it started.
My face felt hot and I knew it was red. Great I had just sweated off all my creams. I blotted and wiped my face and neck and poured my cold water in my glass. I had to decide if it was worth my time to slather on more cream to bring back my youthful glow or just forget about it and live with my non youthful glow and puffy eyes and a couple of grey hairs which had found their way back in my hair again.
A couple more glasses of water later and a scrambled egg I sat down and the decision was made. It was made by the next hot flash. It was pretty much pointless. So, I sipped some lemon flavored water and got out my watercolor paints. If I couldn't paint myself with creams I might as well paint a different canvas.
Going to the DMV can be like a 3-ring circus to me sometimes. There is always something going on that is amusing. I don't like much going there and have avoided going until the other day when I had little choice. My wallet went missing a couple of weeks or so ago and of course my ID was in there so I had to either go without it, not something I would do, or go and get another duplicate one. So, I made an appointment online hoping to make the trip a little less painless and hoping I could get in and out with at 2 hot flash minimum.
It was one of the hottest days of the year that day. I dressed as cool as I could without showing too much skin, I didn't want to scare anyone, and plus the last thing I need is skin cancer from the sun. So, I rolled out of bed, almost litterally, but that is another story, and fanned myself and got dressed. My nephew offered to give me a ride and that was an offer I wasn't going to refuse. So, as I climbed into the back seat, not that I have a rock star mentality or something, just that the seatbelt in the front seat passengers seat doesn't work that great. You have to open the door, pull it, close the door, pull some more, then push the seat back, pull some more and repeat until you get it so it will reach over your body and click in the seatbelt holder thing on the other side. That would have taken longer then an ant crossing the street. So, I happily climbed in the back and seatbelted myself in. Twenty minutes later or so there we were circling the parking lot of the DMV. I had both back seat windows down feeling the breeze, or lack of the breeze since it was far from windy that day. My nephew took a couple of laps around the parking lot, he never can decide on a parking spot the first time in, so he circles around and then waits for a car to pull out of a spot when he could have pulled in to an empty spot next to it. I almost told him to just let me out in the front of the place but I was in no hurry since I was 15 min early or so. Finally, after he parked, I was surprised to see that not so many cars were in the parking lot. I didn't get overjoyed or anything. I walked in sweating. It was hot or I was hot or both.
I took my place in the appointment line with two people in front of me. Not bad I thought. So, a few minutes later I had my number in hand and was sitting waiting for it to be called. I sat on the end of a seat, took off my light jacket and put it on my lap. No sooner then I had gotten settled then I heard it. I looked over to where the raised voice was coming from and standing in front of a window yelling at a DMV employee was a short man with dirty blonde hair wearing grey shorts and sandles. She asked him to lower his voice but he didn't comply. He went on and on about something concerning the registration of his truck. She walked away from him after a few minutes of his yelling and got her supervisior. The supervisior, stood in front of him and made the same request as the woman before him had made to lower his voice. He didn't. The secuirty guard stayed posted near the door, near the driver's handbooks and other forms and books. He didn't move. He didn't move until another customer came in and heard the yelling and she looked over and said "Security" in loud voice. He then walked over to the yelling man and stood beside him. The man said something about the volume of his voice and continued to conduct his business in a quieter voice but not much quieter.
At another window not too far away, a baby was screaming, apparently, the baby was not happy when the mother had to put her back in her stroller to conduct her business at window 8. The baby screamed for a few minutes and then stopped once the mother gave her a cracker to munch on while she continued talking to the woman behind the window.
Finally, my number was called. After I paid for what I needed, my duplicate ID, I was directed to the picture window. I walked around to the other side of the building to stand in the picture line which consisted of one person. No sooner then I got to the picture line an older woman stood behind me and she glanced to see her reflection on the back of a board where a mirrior is tacked up. She was trying to pat her hair down and decided that she needed a brush. She motioned for her husband who had been reading a thick novel to come over to her. He looked surprised and confused all at the same time and she told him she needed a brush which was in the car to brush her hair. He told her that she is not taking a group picture and basically her hair was fine and wasn't going to look any better anyway. She laughed and he went back to his seat and opened his book again. So, there we stood, one person in front of me and one behind. One problem though. There was nobody at window 20 to take the pictures. The woman in window 19 asked if she could help. I wiped the sweat beads off of my eyebrows and the man in front of me said yes we were waiting for pictures. She moved over one window and told him to smile. He said he hoped this picture would look better then his passport picture. We all laughed in the line.
A smile later I was done. I thought I did pretty good. I didn't have too many hot flashes even though it was 3 million degrees outside. So, off to the grocery store we went, me riding like a rock star in the back seat.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a middle of a life that's not mine. I wake up with hot flashes go to bed with cold flashes then afternoon joint pain. A simple walk a few blocks and all of a sudden my back started hurting out of the blue. I felt like what now? It wasn't a BSD pain and went away as quickly as it came. I had my son carry my bag and inside I went walking slowly up the 17 steps that leads to the front door. Twenty years ago I could probably take these steps two at a time or at the very least slowly jogged up them. Today, I made it up and had to sit down in the middle of one of those never ending hot flashes.
I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized me. The me I was. The me with no grey hair popping up here and there in spots, the me who didn't have little barely visible lines around my mouth on either side of it. The me without the puffy eyes when I wake up every morning, the me without the worry lines that are trying to form on my forehead. I saw a different older me. I would never have thought thirty years ago I would see so many changes.
My mom asked me two weeks ago if I had done something to my face. I said no. She didn't say if she saw a good or bad thing. I took it as maybe the new hair color, which since has been changed to not as bright, might have made my face look different. I hope in a good way.
But whatever the case I just hope I age more gracefully then not on the outside. On the inside my heart is still the same.
I noticed the date today sort of accidentally. I was doing the survey online for Walgreen's. The one on the receipt that you do and can win 3,000 instantly or some kind of money my memory fails me all the details. But, while I was doing the survey that I never win, I noticed the date. Then I noticed that in just 20 days I will be celebrating another birthday. Then a funny thing happened the song "Ease on Down the Road" from the movie "The Wiz" just popped into my sometimes uncluttered mind. I love that movie. I started sort of humming in a low tone. At least I thought it was low. My son asked what that song was. I told him. He looked at me with his big blueish eyes and shrugged his shoulders and said okay. In knew he could care less. His 9 year old mind was just curious as usual.
So, then I thought in a way I am easing down the road of life. Last year I turned an uneventful 50. 50 came with no fanfare. No party really. No big old game with the two candles on top 5 and the 0. There were no surprise parties. It was more or less just another day and another grey hair sprouting from my head overnight. It was memorial day and I did buy myself some ribs and Turkey, ground turkey for turkey burgers. I got myself a little gift. A pair of funky little earrings that I envisioned myself wearing with my hot pink tank top. I thought they were cool.
I wore them on my birthday last year and my hot pink tank top and black jeans and blue sneakers.
I celebrated myself. Celebrated my life. I have had trials, tribulations, heartache, pain and a lot of things in the middle but I am still here survived it all. Now, a new year is coming. I am easing on down the road to 51. Hopefully the road will he easier or at least a yellow brick road. :-)
Today I feel pretty good. I had a descents nights sleep. I only woke up only once and read my book for a few minutes and the sandman called and I switched pillows and rearranged the covers and I was all set to go back to dream land. I even had more energy when I rolled out of bed and took my morning shower. I said to myself this is going to be a day just short of fantastic as my step grandfather would say. I was feeling so good that after my morning feel good walk I felt like turning on some music and dance all morning. And I almost did but decided that doing that at 8am might not be a good idea and I might wake up a few sleeping neighbors. So, I controlled my urge to dance and sing badly.
Instead I got our craft table also known as the the kitchen table and looked at all the stuff on the table that needed to be packed in boxes since we are supposed to moving soon. Although I am still working on when part. Too bad I don't have a crystal ball to look into to see when and see where and when we will move. But, I don't. In my sudden burst of energy I thought about taping together a moving box if I could find the tape that is. That tape has been used for boxes and my sons many little projects. But then it occurred to me as soon as I use my new found energy to pack them up and then my son will probably want a bottle of green paint to paint a monster or something and that bottle will be all the way at the bottom of the box and as soon as we dig it out he will then decide that he needs some yellow paint for the eyes or a tail and neither of us will remember what box its in and 5 boxes I will be exhausted and still no yellow paint. So for now, just for now, I will let the robots, tiny tote bags, and all the other assorted crafty items on the table.
Whenever I get another fabulous day I will pack them away. Until then let's dance!!!:-)
Today is a stuff day. Just filled with stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, and in between stuff. My head is swimming with stuff. Stuff I need to do, want to do, don't want to do, thinking about doing and stuff I am just not capable of doing right now. I got emotional just thinking of stuff.
I started thinking of this stuff last night lying in bed with my usual insomnia at 3am. That's when it came last night. Sometimes its earlier sometimes later. So, I am just lying there flipping over the pillow to find the cool side and kicking off blankets trying to get through another hot flash when stuff invaded my thoughts. It all started when I was thinking about old stuff. Old stuff from 13 years ago. Stuff that I should have done, wished I had done and did. Stuff I wished I had done better to prepare for this decade in my life. I tried not to cry thinking about it. I closed my eyes hoping that the stuff would go away. I opened them a few minutes later and it hadn't worked. I then started to think of more stuff that was happening now.
I am suppose to find a place to rent with reasonable rents by the summer. My landlord has informed me he would like to remodel this place and most likely raise the rent from reasonable to unbelievable unreasonable. I am having no luck. I am beginning to think the world reasonable or affordable is no longer valid in the renting world of apartments or homes. I just get a headache thinking about it. So, I once again closed my eyes and wishing I could go back 20 years and buy a house back then but my younger self was not thinking about home buying I was seriously only thinking about two things. If I could do a do over that would be it. I thought I had plenty of time and would make plenty of money to buy a house in the future. Then life happened and I got a few rude awakenings that life has a way of sometimes throwing in the way. And quickly hill turned into mountains.
I managed to climb and conquer some mountains but others not so much. So, hence I sit today thinking of ways to climb this one and several others in my path. I am not one to give up and I have always been one to pray and hope and try. So, while lying there in bed at 3am trying to think and sort out stuff in between hot and cold flashes I decided I had no clue right now. Maybe its okay that I don't know right now. I just hope I get one soon.
So, I closed my eyes tight and tried to not let stuff keep me awake any longer. I woke up early and went for a walk. I needed to see new stuff. I needed to see pretty stuff that only nature can make. I needed to clear my head of old stuff if only for an hour.
