Stuff Cluttering My Mind

Today is a stuff day. Just filled with stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, and in between stuff. My head is swimming with stuff. Stuff I need to do, want to do, don't want to do, thinking about doing and stuff I am just not capable of doing right now. I got emotional just thinking of stuff. 

I started thinking of this stuff last night lying in bed with my usual insomnia at 3am. That's when it came last night. Sometimes its earlier sometimes later. So, I am just lying there flipping over the pillow to find the cool side and kicking off blankets trying to get through another hot flash when stuff invaded my thoughts. It all started when I was thinking about old stuff. Old stuff from 13 years ago. Stuff that I should have done, wished I had done and did. Stuff I wished I had done better to prepare for this decade in my life. I tried not to cry thinking about it. I closed my eyes hoping that the stuff would go away. I opened them a few minutes later and it hadn't worked. I then started to think of more stuff that was happening now.

I am suppose to find a place to rent with reasonable rents by the summer. My landlord has informed me he would like to remodel this place and most likely raise the rent from reasonable to unbelievable unreasonable. I am having no luck. I am beginning to think the world reasonable or affordable is no longer valid in the renting world of apartments or homes. I just get a headache thinking about it. So, I once again closed my eyes and wishing I could go back 20 years and buy a house back then but my younger self was not thinking about home buying I was seriously only thinking about two things. If I could do a do over that would be it. I thought I had plenty of time and would make plenty of money to buy a house in the future. Then life happened and I got a few rude awakenings that life has a way of sometimes throwing in the way. And quickly hill turned into mountains.

I managed to climb and conquer some mountains but others not so much. So, hence I sit today thinking of ways to climb this one and several others in my path. I am not one to give up and I have always been one to pray and hope and try. So, while lying there in bed at 3am trying to think and sort out stuff in between hot and cold flashes I decided I had no clue right now. Maybe its okay that I don't know right now. I just hope I get one soon. 
So, I closed my eyes tight and tried to not let stuff keep me awake any longer. I woke up early and went for a walk. I needed to see new stuff. I needed to see pretty stuff that only nature can make. I needed to clear my head of old stuff if only for an hour.