Meltdowns

Today was a day of meltdowns. My son decided that he simply didn't and couldn't do his homework. My blood pressure probably rose instantly and that started a hot flash to end all flashes. So, as I am standing there dripping with sweat from my face down and peeling off layers of clothes, OK' just a jogging jacket, but it felt like layers,  and telling him the benefits of reading, writing, and math my mom then started weeping, part of her dementia and side affects of the medicines she's taking. She went from taking none to five in little over a month. So, I standing in the middle of the room sweating and taking off my jacket while on one side of the room having an endless hot flash, and my son on the other side of the room pouting because God forbid he had extra work to do when the only thing running through his mind was thoughts of him zooming through the neighborhood on his bike and my mom just sitting there weeping saying she now needed to go outside. I felt like crying too.

But, we all couldn't be crying all at the same time so I help back. First I tried to console my mom and tell her that outside is where she could go in a week or so when she's stronger. Then on to my stubborn son who was now just sitting there doing nothing but begging to go outside. After a few minutes which seemed like years, of telling him that you do what you have to do then you get to do what you want to do and realizing I sounded like my mother totally everyone was calm. 

I needed a long vacation after that and I took one, OK,not really, I locked myself in the bathroom for a minute and just sat there sweating and hoping the day would either get better or everyone would go to bed at 7 pm. Neither happened by the way. 

Shower

Lately when I have had the urge or really the need to clean I find after two minutes of just actually walking to find the broom or mop or both I break out in a hot sweat. Usually that would stop my urge to clean in a hot minute so to say. Plus add a little joint pain from out of nowhere and that's usually a rap for me. I say to myself the universe doesn't want me to clean but since the universe didn't supply me with a endless cash flow or a maid then that means most days I don't have a choice. And on this particular day with peoply coming over I really did not have much of one.

So, I grabbed a cool drink and a small fan and was ready to go. I couldn't get half the kitchen floor swept before gobs of sweat started rolling down my face. I was starting to wish I had the merry maids number on speed dial. I seriously thought about looking them up. But, I said to myself OK, this is crazy this apartment is not that big. The park we go to is bigger. I wiped the sweat from my forehead, cursed hot flashes and menopause and carried on like I was on a mission. I wasn't going to be beaten by menopause and a broom. No, not me. I had two hours to get this place almost spotless. Spotless was not going to happen cause after all, we live here its not a tiny show place. 

Two hours later I was hotter then hot, I was sure I hadn't been that hot since I had the flu ten years ago. I pulled back my soaking wet hair in a bun and changed my shirt and I was ready to meet and greet. When the guests came someone asked if I just got out of the shower. I guess judging from the look of my hair that was a logical assumption. 

Yes, I did have a shower it is called a menopause shower. 

older

I have spent the past few days thinking about me 26 years from now. Twenty six years from now I will be as old as my mom is today. Some people say if you want to know how the daughter will look when she's older look at the mom. I don't know about that. But, I was just thinking about my body, how it will change. I started thinking about white or grey hair, walking a little slower, talking slower and more with purpose. I thought about some of the things you have to give up that you might not want to such as driving or a little independence. I thought about no more periods and the menopausal pay off for it. When I was younger suffering from cramps and bloating I would foolishly wish that I would have an early menopause. 

So, I studied my moms face. I looked at her eyes which were always vibrant brown but seemed just a little duller then they used to be. I looked at her smiling face chatting enthusiastically with my son and listened to her stories about her patents that I have heard a million times and now she was telling Josh. I know that one day she will probably forget most if these stories but she chatted on and answered all his questions happily. I watched her eyebrows move up and down at each word.  I  chuckled and laughed with them.

I thought about what I am going through now she has went through and a lot more.  I came to the conclusion that growing old might not be too bad after all.

Too Dam Long

Someone recently asked me how long menopause lasts. I thought about it for a few minutes and really didn't have an answer. I didn't even know when it was supposed to start let alone end. All I knew is one day when I was 46 or 47 I was riding in the car with my mom driving and we were going to the grocery store I was dressed for the cold winter weather all bundled up and all of a sudden out of nowhere I started to get warm. I raised the window down some for some air. My mom looked at me like I was going crazy. I thought I was for a minute. I thought that the air would be enough. It helped. 

Funny my mom never said a word on the drive there. I am raising down windows, shedding clothes like I am on a tropical island and its 90 degrees in the shade and she kept quiet. I am pretty sure she knew what was going on but didn't know how to approach the topic. We had a brief ten minute conversation when I started my period at 11. She was embarrassed then so I was not too surprised at the silence now. So, by the time we got to the store the hot flash was over and my jacket was back on. We walked around talked about food and shopped. 


Now, some years later, I wake up tired,  have a stomach from hell that won't go away, still have hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings occasionally, dress light at home with something cold always close at hand to drink. 

The only answer I had when my friend asked how long this was going to last was too dam long for me. And she agreed and laughed.

A Good Cry

I have been feeling physically pretty good for the most part lately. The hot flashes have been not as frequent as they had been in weeks past but I am knocking on wood that it stays that way at least for a day or two. But while hot flashes have decreased some stress has picked up where flashes left. I have been so stresses that my stress has stress. I have been crying more. For some reason I feel the need to just cry sometimes late at night when nobody can hear me. I hate crying in front of people. I never really have. So, I weep in private just because I need a good cry. 

Sometimes I just feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders or at least of my family. My mom is sick and she's like my backbone and when I need to make a hard decision I usually talk to her first. Or sometimes we just chat about nothing. I miss that. She lives with me and she's not here. I miss her. I even miss the dhit chat that she and my son do when I am trying to relax for a mini second and they are chattering to the top of their lungs. We have to travel across town to see her. I see her and realize just how much I really miss her. Then I feel the weight bof just trying to keep the house or apartment running. I have many days of trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. But, I always find a way cause that is what my mom did all her life she found a way. I got that from her. 

So, as I struggle with all the stress of my life and fan away my hot flashes, sip on water, and try to find my waist line again I sometimes just let it all out with a good cry and then pick myself up, wipe away the tears and move forward. Just move forward.