Sometimes I am so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is fall into bed and sleep for 25 hours. Some days or most days involve taking care of everyone and everything. My days seem endless sometimes. When I do get a chance just to sit and just to be. A chance just to do nothing because everyone is fed, bathed, and everything is cleaned and put in its place I am too tired to enjoy the moments of just sitting. My mind wanders to the next days tasks and what I could be doing instead of just sitting. I have less energy now days. I guess its from just getting older. Don't get me wrong, I have energy but just not as much as I used to.
So, the other day I was determined just to sit and do nothing not to think about the next day. Just to be. To be in the moment. Just to breathe and relax and of course fan myself occasionally. After all, my life has changed and although I sometimes feel like a spinning top like the ones my son got at dollar tree. I am just taking it one day at a time and taking time just to breathe and just to sit quietly. My time out.
The other day my son and I walked to the corner store for bread for sandwiches for lunch. It was sort of a lazy Saturday afternoon. Of course one we got there and spotted some fruit roll ups behind the counter that was 50 cents added to our total. I have noticed that even a little exercise helps make me feel better plus it helps trying to get some weight off. I try to take walks everyday but sometimes I can't so I try to be outside walking or jumping rope with my son, let me rephrase that, trying to jump rope with a while lot of laughter from him. I laugh too and am very happy he didn't secretly record it and share it with grandma.
But, I try to do something.
So on the walk back from the cornet store which is really
Two corners away, I saw something I have never seen in this neighborhood and I have seen everything from raccoons to spiders around here. I looked down and there it was poking out from under a fence. One little lonely orange poppy. When I was about 7 my best friend told me that it was our state flower and if you picked the policemen would come and put you in jail. That scared me for years.
The poppy also reminded me of the seasons changing. I was changing too and I took seeing that one lonely poppy peeking out from under that fence a good sign of change.
Not all changes are good but I think this one will be.
When I had my first hot flash I had a friend I was talking to from one of those dating sites. I had signed up with this one about 5 or 6 years ago. I never expected much and glad I didn't. Granted, I was not on there night and day it was more like a pastime I would do when I was bored. So it was kind of surprising to come across a profile like Ted's. He was a year younger and I was pleasantly surprised when I found out we had a lot in common. We texted and talked almost every evening. One night when we were chatting I told him I though I just had a hot flash. He was shocked. He said no, I was too young. I laughed and thanked him for thinking I was too young. He really didn't see me as old or even older. But, I definitely was old enough and it was a definite flash of heat.
He asked me questions I hadn't had answers to at the time. All I knew I was in need of a fan. The flash passed and I was sort of myself again until I one day got irritated with everyone in a ten mile radius for no good reason at all. He and all the rest of the folks forgave me. I used to have mood swings with my periods but these were more intense. And sometimes I happen to cry at the oddest times. The other day I was watching the Princess and the Frog. Just happened to be flipping channels and it was on. I stopped on there it was near the end when they got married. I sobbed like a baby. My son thought I was nuts but I told him they were happy tears. He was glad I wasn't sad. I was too.
But, my friend is no longer my friend. I am unsure why. I guess just like the seasons of my life change friends change too. I am ready for all the changes. Such as life. And it would be pretty boring after all if nothing changed. :-)
I have found a new love. I am totally and completely in love with my crock pot. Since I have waves of hot flashes that hit me out of the blue and last as long as possible and long enough to have me running for the coldest drink in the fridge I try to stay away from cooking in a hot kitchen on a hot stove. I kinda got the stove covered thanks to my wonderful mom who was up early one morning and saw an info commercial for a nu wave plate, I call it a new fashion updated hot plate which is a life savor for me. She ordered the two for one special. When she told me about it I must admit I thought it was just another one of her purchases that will be hardly any use to me like the hair straightener and the hair curlers and countless other things she has gotten off of late night and early morning info commercials.
But to my surprise when they were delivered I was pleasantly surprised that this was something I can use and something that would make my life a whole lot easier in the kitchen at least. Between that and the crock pot the kitchen is my friend again.
Right now I have boneless pork chops cooking in the crock pot for 4-6 hours on low covered in a simple sauce I found online. I have never made pork chops this way before and I don't know if my now newly picky family will like them or eat them but I know I won't be sweating over a hot anything today rushing for a cool drink and a paper towel to wipe the sweat from my face. For that I am grateful.
Last high I had a hard time falling asleep. I laid in bed extra hot do to extra night hot flashes with my covers kicked to the other side of the bed. I turned my pillow over looking for the cooler side hoping that would help along with the ice water I was sipping on. It really didn't help much. So, my mind drifted to all things past. I sometimes do that. I don't know why. I suppose I do it because I would like to change many things in the past. Not that I didn't have a pretty good life as lives go. Nothing came easy for me but I didn't expect them too. I was used to hard work. And I worked hard for what I have and even what I don't have. And I am still not done yet.
Sleep wasn't really working for me last night so I got up to pack boxes. I bent down to grab the first items to pack and I don't know why but got emotional. I thought about my grandmother and being in her house and packing up her house after she died 8 years ago. I felt like I was transported back there for a second. I think I felt her spirit all around me. I was crying and sweating all at the same time sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor. I was glad nobody woke up in my house cause I was a mess.
Twenty minutes and one half packed box later I was back in bed. I was ready. I don't know what I am ready for. I think I ready for whatever comes my way. I was ready for my tears to stop, ready for the hot flashes to pass for a while and ready to sleep and pretty soon I will be ready for all the changes that are coming.
I thought about my grandmother as I dozed off. I drempt about being in her house with her and without her. I could see her clearly in my dream. She was standing in her garden surrounded by colorful tulips, daises, and other flowers and I could smell the pear and plum trees on either sides of her garden. I saw her standing there dressed in her old jeans, an old blue shirt with a floppy brown sun hat on and her gardening gloves covered in dirt. Her old shoes were covered in soil also and she smiled. She smiled but didn't say a word. She didn't have to. I savored that dream in that special place. I wish I could go back there just for a little while.
But, I can't so I have to stand in the place I am in now. Stand and smile through my hot and cold flashes. Stand until I move.
I never really worried about my weight until I was around 30 when I started gaining all kinds of weight. I was fairly active and walked everywhere and jogged when I could and when I was a kid I used to play all the sports I could play and summer days were filled with bike riding, kick ball, volley ball, baseball with cousins and just running around having fun. We were never in the house during the daytime. Partly because our parents thought that kids should be outside having fun playing and partly because we wanted to be outside playing enjoying ourselves and not sitting in the house stuck under adults.
When I turned 30 or a little over 30 my life changed and I moved in with an ex boyfriend for 7 years and in that neighborhood walking places was not too much of an option during that time. It was not a bad-bad neighborhood but not good either. The only time I got to walk is when I got to work downtown and then I walked to lunch and shopping. So, needless to say by the time that relationship had reached its conclusion I had gained about 35 pounds that would not leave any faster then I did when I left the ex. I moved back to my old neighborhood with my mom and I went back to school and started walking again and sometimes even jogging. I did manage to loose a few of those unwanted pounds that had found their way to my hips, thighs and bottom. I even managed to go down a whole jean size and was thrilled with myself. Then a few years later I met my son's father and then got pregnant with my son and packed on more pounds then I care to remember. My decreasing jean size had increased quickly during those 9 months. After he was born I managed to loose some. I had him at 41 so it was not easy to loose one pound for me. They just didn't want to leave. I now walked trying to speed walk pushing a stroller, no jogging for me. I was too tired for that. I am a single mom and took care of him alone so a long speed walk was all I could manage back then. So, a few more pounds trickled off but not as much as I would have liked. I was happy with the few pounds that did manage to leave my now body I didn't recognize. When my son was about 2 years old, being an active 2 year old as he was, we had many days of running up and down stairs and running around in the backyard and some more weight managed to come off.
Time went by and then menopause kicked in and then loosing weight for me had become an almost loosing battle. My stomach doesn't look like my stomach anymore. My stomach is now a stranger. No longer close to flat. Ok, it wasn't too flat before but it didn't look like I was 2 months pregnant either or 3 months. Now, it looks like a shelf covering my c-section scar. My thighs I don't recognize either. I decided to try to eat better and exercise more. I even brought some weights. I was determined to loose something. With that I started cooking more healthier meals, more veggies and more fruit became a bigger part of my diet. I started googling low fat meals and found a few I thought that my family would like. I was pretty sure that my son would like them since I didn't think he was a picky eater. He hadn't been all his life. So, I was pretty sure that whatever I came up with would be great.
Boy, was I wrong. In my quest for the perfectly imperfect body, I found a low fat pineapple chicken meal online that I said looked okay and I could easily make it for dinner one night. That night came a couple of weeks ago. I was proud of my creation, pineapple chicken with brown rice. I made a plate for my son and didn't expect the look I got. He looked at me like I had grown another head and then he asked me what was it. I proudly told him what it was and he asked why the rice was brown. I could see already that this would not be one of his favorite meals. Then it was my mom's turn to look at me like I had four heads when she got her plate. I thought I did a pretty good job but they on the other hand thought I had lost my mind. I told both of them to just taste it. They frowned their faces and took little mini bites and then just picked at the rest of it. I just shook my head and ate my dinner not letting them bother me. I ate and drank my water. I felt good about my attempt to make something low fat and semi healthy. Even though they felt like they were in an alternate universe probably with a crazy cook in the kitchen.
But, I have lost some weight with my crazy creations and have been doing more walking and even lift my 5lb weights every other day. Pretty soon I might even be brave enough to go to the gym. I have never been to one in my life. I only passed by them occasionally looking into the windows of all the people running in place on treadmills and wiping their foreheads with tiny towels. My grandmother even got me a treadmill but it got stolen. Another story for another day. I must admit I didn't use it much. It was old and heavy and
One of my best friends asked me what my weekend plans were. I thought about it and remembered weekends of the past. Weekends when all I did was sit around on a slow day and have an extra cup of tea. Weekends when I would take a good book and go outside in the backyard and read, just me and my dog, Bandit. Obviously, this was before kids and menopause. Weekends were made for me and lazy Sundays and cold cereal with milk on Saturdays. When I was little weekends were family time. My parents didn't talk about work or school and every Sunday was pancake Sunday for breakfast and ice cream cones after lunch. And long drives to the marina watching the boats and the water skiers. Those were my perfect weekend's back then.
Of course weekends have changed a lot since then. I am not a LOT older and have a son now. I still have my mom but not my dad, who passed away, and my dog is not with me either. Bandit passed away when my son was 2 years old. So, now weekends consist of almost anything. Sundays, I try to make a big breakfast or dinner if I have the energy. If not then we settle on a pizza delivery. Which makes no difference to my son, sometimes I think he would rather eat pizza then a big Sunday dinner anyway and sometimes that is more then fine with me. Especially on days like today. It is a lazy day and I have been sleeping for part of it. Sometimes it seems like I can just never get enough sleep. Waking up at 3am in a hot sweat is not helping any. All night it is covers on, covers off and 3am wake up call from the heat of the night. It takes a while for the cooling and the process of me going back to sleep. If I had a nightstand in my room I would just have a big bottle of ice water on there for my 3am wake up calls. I haven't been up at 3am so much since I had my son 9 years ago and I didn't like it too much then but it was something I had to do and we got through it. I thought those days were long over me awake before dawn and not doing anything the least bit fun for me to be awake. So, I told my son I was going to take a nap at noon. I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. He was ok with that and so was my mom who was reading the Sunday paper. I slept for a total of 2 and a half hours and could have slept longer but I heard footsteps coming over to my bed. I knew who that was. I was surprised he let me sleep that long without calling, "MOM, MOM" for something but I guess he was content having the tv all to himself for all that time.
If I could I would have went back to sleep for 20 more hours. Okay, maybe not that long but a couple more. But, my nap was over and I was sort of not too sleepy anymore and glad that today is Sunday so I don't have to do much. No early mornings rushing around feeling like I am a minute late for whatever it is I need to be doing or need to be. Rushing trying to get breakfast on a plate for my son who will always want something else that is not on his plate or we don't have in the house. Rushing to get dressed and showered before my mom gets in the bathroom only because she takes what seems like forever and that doesn't work for me most of the time especially when I am running around like a chicken with their head cut off. It is always busy during the week. And I am always feeling hotter then I know everyone else is. Fanning myself in between chores and stopping a little too long at the frozen food section at the store with the door open picking out frozen peas. I can't help it that air feels so good sometimes. I am just glad that not many people are in the store at the times I go because I can imagine the stares I would get and the funny looks. I am glad that near the exit they have a big fan. Yes, I stand there for a minute before I leave the store just letting the cool air surround my whole body. People go around me and I know that they think I am a little nuts. But, I am not nuts, just hot.
So, I answered my friend's question. I said I had no plans. Sometimes those are the best plans. I plan to stay cool on one of the hottest days in March on record here and drink plenty of ice water and maybe find a fan or two to stand under.
One thing about getting older is all of the stuff that comes with it. Menopause is just one of them. I also noticed that when I was brushing my hair the other day I was beginning to see more and more grey. Ok, this is not a shock to me really. I knew that in time they would come. I just didn't know when. I consider myself lucky though because they are just not starting to come at 50 or 50 and a half. My younger sister is 3 years younger than I am and she started getting them at 28 shortly after she had her last baby. She was not too happy and very much surprised. Soon the one turned into two and the two turned into ten and so on and so on by the time she was 35 she had more then she knew what to do with but she still felt too young to have them and so asked her step daughter to dye them for her. Well, the step daughter dyed them a loud red color, not the auburn reddish color, but red-red like a crayon red. I was shocked to see a dark red streak in the middle of her head and then black hair surrounding the rest of her head. I was not sure what to say to her but I think she got pretty much of what I was thinking from the expression on my face. The look of shock. She said in a low voice that she thinks this color does nothing for her and she was not going to keep it long. Which she didn't. I didn't say a word just nodded in agreement with what she was saying. After it sunk it a few minutes later after she made her statement I told her that if she liked it there was no reason to change it. She agreed and the next time I saw her the hair was black, the color she was born with. No grey's just black.
My mom had a cousin who hair was completely grey before he turned 30. He always looked older then what he was to me. He didn't bother to dye it he just wore it grey or more of a white color after a while. He had a young looking face but white hair and I will admit when I was younger I did get wonder how can a young person have white hair. My mom explained that to me the best she could but I think it was too much for then 8 year old mind to process. When I got older then I understood.
So, I asked my friend about hair dyes which I must admit I knew nothing about. She was surprised to know that I hadn't dyed my hair before. I told her that I never had the need to dye it since I never had grey in my hair before. She laughed. and told me she has been dying her hair since high school. I did know that and that is why I knew she would know what to get. I thought that she would be some help and she was a little help she told me to use the one with highlights built in and that I didn't need to spend a lot of money she said they all work pretty much the same except for different times that you have to leave it in. She uses the ten minute timing one. She said read the box and see and experiment with the color. I told her I was going to try to stick to something close to my natural hair color, auburn. She said that was fine but I could go darker or little lighter if I wanted to. So off to the store I went.
I had to go grocery shopping anyway so I went to the hair color isle or the hair isle. I was amazed at all the choices. I knew that I wouldn't have time to read all of the boxes with my 9 year old with me wanting to go down every other aisle but that one. I knew that he would only be patient for so long, like a nano second. So, I quickly scanned the boxes and read a few of them and sent him down to the end of the aisle to get the toothpaste so that gave me a few more seconds to go over the rest of the box I had in my hand. After a few minutes I decided on a box. I got one close to my hair color. My son asked me why I needed to dye my hair and I told him. He just looked at like oh, okay and asked me could we go to the toy aisle.
So, in between hot flashes I will attempt to dye my hair sometime before I find more greys. Which will likely be in a couple of days. Then I will be imperfectly perfect again, or at least my hair will.
I consider my self a pretty patient person most days. I am unsure if it is menopausal hormones or just getting older in general or a combination of both but lately my patience has been wearing thin with some people sometimes.
Yesterday was a true test of that to the tenth power. Kind of a Murphy's law day. I don't live alone besides my son are my mom, nephew and brother. So, the other day I purchased some pineapple juice to attempt to make crockpot Hawaiian chicken which I had planned to make last night. Now, since I know certain people in my household will eat the carpet off the floor if they could, I asked that nobody drink all of the pineapple juice. My son had a cup. That was fine. My brother had a half of a cup. Still cool. So, I said yes to myself thinking they are really listening for once. Boy, as I ever wrong. I happily get up the next morning after suffering through a night of the worse hot flashes yet and open the fridge to get my ingredients for my culinary masterpiece that I would be creating, which I had named crockpot magical Hawaiian chicken cause it was going to be that good, and to my horror the pineapple juice bottle had a teaspoon full of juice left in the bottom of the bottle.
After the smoke stopped coming out of my ears I asked who drank it. I knew what the answers would be. A roomful of "Not Me". But, I had s good idea of who did. So, dinner was pizza.
Pizza brings me to my next no patient moment. Our place is rather hard to find to a stranger. I had trouble finding it when I was going to look at it before we moved. So, I have gotten used to cell phone calls of panic from pizza delivery people and delivery people in general. Once I had to flag down the new mailman. Running after him like I as running after the ice cream truck when I was little. So, it was no surprise when this puzxa delivery guy called cause he couldn't find the place. I tell him he's right next door, turn around look to the right, and there are stairs go up and that's us. OK, understandable right? Well, not so much. I hear the neighbor next door saying he didn't order pizza. I then go and stand on the porch and try to flag him down waving my arms and speaking loudly. Guess he didn't see me and believe me I am pretty hard to miss and my son, who as out there too, is pretty hard not to hear. But, apparently, he did cause ten seconds or so later he calls again. I rushed back inside to grab the phone tell him to look up cause I am now walking down the stairs. He looks to the side of him. I shake my head and continue walking down the steps until he sees me. Then he asks me if I ordered pizza. I wanted to say no bleep, bleep ,bleep. But, I didn't. I just said yes and handed him the money.
I won't mention the bad words I yelled at the laptop when I turned it on and it started smoking. And how I wasn't feeling the attitude the computer company warranty people were giving me over the phone. I admit I did give them attitude back and asked for a supervisor which helped a tiny bit.
By the time the day was over for me I felt like I had a day unlike any other day and don't care to to have a rerun of yesterday. Then it happened. A hot flash of all hot flashes kicked it. Yeo, it was bed time and with my glass of ice water I headed that way.
It's a new day now and I am ready!!!
My joints have all of a sudden for the first time in my life. I had no idea what it was. Then my friend said oh that's probably normal since its probably related to menopause. I was thinking that's just great. First hot flashes then my sleeplessness nights now this. It was bad enough I get up to use the bathroom st 2 am and and up until 3:30 am. Which leaves me dragging through the day. Most days I need a nap around noon. Although, that never happens. Except maybe on the weekends if I am extreamly lucky.
So, as I struggle to stay awake in the daytime when I walk across the room things hurt that never hurt before. I am like a tired walking sleepless in Berkeley woman. I was thinking how did my mom and all the older women in my family and the world survive this. I call my son my pure menopausal baby now. Of course, at the time, 9 years ago, I was just in a state of shock when they told me I was pregnant. Little did I know right before my son turned 7 I would have my first hot flash.
Another friend told me that this should be the best time of my life. I asked her how did she figure that. She said no more periods. I told her actually my periods weren't that bad. I amost feel like I felt when I had them minus a few extra things such as the hot flashes and now joint pain. I am sure that in the next few months, days, and years it might get worse before it gets better. But, I know I will survive this storm like the many others I have gone through for the last 50 years.
With that, I lifted my glass of ice water and said cheers to menopause!
The heater is slowly becoming my enemy. I usually have the heater on 72 at night and off pretty much during the day. The days are fine but at night when it gets too far below 72 the heat comes on. Which would be totally fine if my tempature was anywhere close to normal at night before the hot flashes kick in all night long. I would turn it down if I lived alone. But I don't think the other folks I live with would appreciate freezing all night. So, I leave it alone.
Last night was one of the many times I wished I could just lay in bed on top of the covers and blankets and have five gorgeous hunks fan me all night long. That's one of my menopausal fanatasies. And feeding me chocolate covered strawberries while fanning would be the icing on the cake for me, the strawberry cake. But since that's just a fantasy the reality is me taking off my one cover I am down too pretty much and the bedspread and getting my nightly cold glass of ice water. I really need to just have a mini fridge in the room filled with ice cubes and bottles of water. But it doesn't hurt to walk to the kitchen. Maybe I burned a half of a calorie in the process.
Another thing about being menopausal, my expanding waist line. I have been trying to not let that get more out of control then it already is. So, I have been trying to eat more healthy and less and taking daily walks. If only I could walk off the hot flashes and mood swings as easily. I must admit not too many moods but a lot of heat.
Tonight I am going to ask everyone if they don't mind the heat being on 70. Just for tonight.
I was scrolling through Facebook posts last night and as I was reading about my friends doing this and that I never saw any of them post anything about menopause. That got me wondering why it is not talked about more. I know that most if not all the women I went to grade school and high school should be or have been through it. I have seen very personal posts that as they say is very much too much information from just about all of my older friends but nothing about this very personal journey. So, I dared to ask one of my good friends from high school the big question. I met her in my 9th grade English class and we have been friends from that day on. So, after more then 30 years of friendship I called her up and after the usual chit chat about the rest of our lives and kids I asked if she was like me going through what my mom and grandma used to call "the change". Of course back then I had no idea of what they were talking about. The only change I knew about came from changing clothes or money.
Actually, my friend was glad I asked. She thought she was the only one. I assured her she wasn't. So, we talked a long time and shared what we knew and didn't know. After we hung up about an hour later I decided to go to bed. Usually that's a new adventure every night. I don't know if I will sleep through the night or how many hot flashes if any I will have or how many times I will be searching for the cool side of the pillow while kicking blankets off of my body.
I hoped and prayed it was going to be a good night. It started off fine. I got about 3 hours sleep, which as of today is a record for me, without a nightly hot flash lasting from 5 Jim to about 30. I got hot. Not sweaty hot just hot enough for me not to be comfortable. I kicked covers off and laid there wide awake waiting for it to pass and thinking I shouldn't have worn the hot sweat pants to bed and how I wished I hadn't gotten rid of the one pair of shorts that still sort of fit me last year. Even though the calendar says March it felt hotter then the fourth of July in that bed of mine. I got up hoping the coolness of the kitchen floor would at least help my feet cool off as I headed that way for some ice water. I skipped the water and headed straight for the ice cubes. I was so glad everyone else was asleep and didn't see me standing there sweat pants rolled to the knees, tank top on, rubbing my face and neck with ice cubes. That would have been something they would have never let me forget ever.
After a couple minutes and one glass of water later I was cool enough to venture back to bed. I was good. At least until the next hot flash.
Nobody in my family ever talked about menapause. I got the "talk" sort of when I started my period around 12. In school we watched a movie about the changes your body goes through at puberty. But no movies about menopause when you turn 48.
I got my first hot flash at 48, two years ago. I had no idea of why I was getting hot all of a sudden in the car on a cold winter day in January. I thought I must be getting the flu or a bad cold although the only symptoms I had was just being hot. So, I just went home after grocery shopping and took a Tylenol. I was clueless. I didn't have another hot flash for 3 weeks. I felt so I felt something close to my normal self. Then it happened again.
I was just sitting trying to watch a movie and hear with my son and mom chatting about the plot. Then out of nowhere here it came. I felt my face and neck get hot then it went down my arms and the rest of my body. I felt like someone turned on the heater to 90 degrees and I was melting. I started fanning myself with an envelope, the closest thing to me, and when that didn't work I opened the nearest window. The cold winds of February filled the living room. I was slowly cooling off but everyone else was freezing and looking at me like I had 3 heads. It was not until a day later when I looked up menopause online did I realize what my body was starting to go through at the ripe old age of 48. Which by the way I considered too young to be going through anything. And having a 7 year old son didn't help any.
Little did I know this was only the beginning.
