Changes

Last high I had a hard time falling asleep. I laid in bed extra hot do to extra night hot flashes with my covers kicked to the other side of the bed. I turned my pillow over looking for the cooler side hoping that would help along with the ice water I was sipping on. It really didn't help much. So, my mind drifted to all things past. I sometimes do that. I don't know why. I suppose I do it because I would like to change many things in the past. Not that I didn't have a pretty good life as lives go. Nothing came easy for me but I didn't expect them too. I was used to hard work. And I worked hard for what I have and even what I don't have. And I am still not done yet. 

Sleep wasn't really working for me last night so I got up to pack boxes. I bent down to grab the first items to pack and I don't know why but got emotional. I thought about my grandmother and being in her house and packing up her house after she died 8 years ago. I felt like I was transported back there for a second. I think I felt her spirit all around me. I was crying and sweating all at the same time sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor. I was glad nobody woke up in my house cause I was a mess. 

Twenty minutes and one half packed box later I was back in bed. I was ready. I don't know what I am ready for. I think I ready for whatever comes my way. I was ready for my tears to stop, ready for the hot flashes to pass for a while and ready to sleep and pretty soon I will be ready for all the changes that are coming. 

I thought about my grandmother as I dozed off. I drempt about being in her house with her and without her. I could see her clearly in my dream. She was standing in her garden surrounded by colorful tulips, daises, and other flowers and I could smell the pear and plum trees on either sides of her garden. I saw her standing there dressed in her old jeans, an old blue shirt with a floppy brown sun hat on and her gardening gloves covered in dirt. Her old shoes were covered in soil also and she smiled. She smiled but didn't say a word. She didn't have to. I savored that dream in that special place. I wish I could go back there just for a little while.  

But, I can't so I have to stand in the place I am in now. Stand and smile through my hot and cold flashes. Stand until I move.